Quote Quota

• 
  If Michaelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered (Robin Tyler)
• I have been a practicing homosexual for 30 years, and after all that practice I’m very good at it (Ike Cowen)
• It always seem to me pointless to disapprove of homosexuality; it’s a bit like disapproving of rain (Francis Maude)
• My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man and I’m giving them my share (Rita-Mae Brown)

Knob end

….. is just one of those villages with silly names which you can find in England - it’s in Lancashire, by the way. Perhaps its parish councillors might consider twinning it with Slack Bottom (Yorkshire), Sandy Balls (New Forest) or Great Cockup (Lake district).

Another letter to the vicar

Dear Vicar

Thank you for your previous advice as to how I should respond to the true word of the Bible as set out in the Book of Leviticus. I now have two further questions.

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of what the Bible refers to as menstrual “uncleanliness” (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence, indeed as a result I have received one black eye, suffered a severe kick to my left shin and have a small dent on my forehead shaped like the catch of a handbag.

Yours confused (and bruised) of Clifton

What I want for Christmas is ..

Documents obtained under US freedom of information laws confirmed that the country's military considered developing a "gay bomb." In 1994 the US Air Force requested $7.5m to make a bomb that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because the soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another.

Staying Bootiful

May 4th saw a jazz band entertaining a long queue in the Victoria Centre branch of Boots. I believe they were queuing for bottles of “Protect & Perfect”, the anti-wrinkle cream that actually works. The editorial team of QB shun such fripperies, relying on alternating treatments of goose grease and sandpaper to retain our ever youthful visages.

Bowing to the inevitable

For years the Newark Advertiser has refused all advertisements with a gay or lesbian reference. On April 30th 2007 the Goods and Services/Sexual Orientation bill was enacted. On May 2nd the Newark Advertiser accepted an ad from Nottingham Lesbian and Gay Switchboard.

Tangled webs

There are parents whose lack of foresight when naming their children can lead to years of childhood persecution (Ophelia Balls etc). When naming their websites, the following companies have fallen headlong into a similar trap.

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice. Speed of Art is a designers’ website. In New South Wales you will find Mole Station Nursery. Want to know a celebrity’s agent? Who Represents can help … or perhaps you need a therapist, if so try Therapist Finder. The Mecca for buying a pen is Pen Island …. and then there is the Italian Power Generator company. Their websites (feel free to check) are:

www.expertsexchange.com
www.whorepresents.com
www.speedofart.com
www.therapistfinder.com
www.molestationnursery.com
www.penisland.net
www.powergenitalia.com

Totally bananas

The President of Gambia has horrified scientists by announcing that he has developed a "miracle cure" for HIV/AIDS.

Hundreds of Gambians have lined up to be "cured" by President Yahya Jammeh, who treats his patients by rubbing a mysterious herbal paste into their ribcages and then instructing them to swallow a bitter yellow drink, followed by two bananas. Mr Jammeh says “AIDS sufferers will be cured within 3 to 30 days."

Notes and Queeries

A first-ever museum display, "Against Nature?", which opened in January at the University of Oslo's Natural History Museum in Norway, presents 51 species of animals exhibiting homosexuality. Homosexuality has been noted in over 1500 species, says the exhibition coordinator. E.g. giraffes show more same-sex than heterosexual activity and most dolphins are bisexual - he’s not called “Flipper” for nothing.

A BBC radio programme promoting safer sex mentioned getting free condoms, which would be given away on “a first come, first served principle.”

Swiss operatic tenor Hugues Cuenod was singing well into his eighties. He made his debut at the New York Met aged 85. Now 104, he is looking forward to his civil partnership ceremony now that Switzerland has passed laws recognising same-sex relationships.

Gay poet created Robin Hood

Even if Robin Hood wasn't gay, the man who wrote the famous ballads was. And this writer, poet Sir John Clanvowe, was also "married" to Sir William Neville, Constable of Nottingham Castle from 1381.

The first mention of Robin Hood as a subject of ballads is in 1377, but these ballads are not recorded - no Merry Men, no Nottingham. The earliest surviving ballads date between 1380 and 1400. Sir John was ideally placed to write these later ballads, which a century after his death were printed as "The Geste of Robyn Hode" - the source of all the legends we know today.
Sir John and Sir William met before 1370 and were renowned as a close, loyal couple. Almost certainly they recognised their relationship in a church ceremony. Their tombstone even shows their coats of arms as a married couple - ignoring William's real wife! As an aristocrat's youngest son, William married an heiress (Elizabeth le Waleys) to provide an income.

John and William were friends of King Richard II, who came to Nottingham many times. He was also a patron of art and literature. Perhaps, on one of his visits, bored with the old Robin Hood stories, Richard asked John to come up with some new ones.

Just like modern writers, medieval poets used real people on which to base characters, and John flattered his partner by using elements from William's and Elizabeth's family history to create new stories of Robin Hood. These coded elements would be recognised by the audience, and enjoyed as in-jokes.

In "The Geste", Robin Hood lives in Barnsdale, Yorkshire, where the le Waleys family owned many manors. The king in "The Geste" is Edward, not Richard the Lionheart. Edward II came to Nottingham many times, and in 1324 came to deal with outlaws. He made his lover Piers Gaveston Constable of the castle (William's uncle married Gaveston's widow). The sheriff in 1324 was Henry Fauconberg (William's aunt married into this family), and legend says that the Sheriff was Little John's brother.

The Merry Men live in a typical all-male community much favoured by Richard II. Even any homoerotic readings may be Sir John's coded sexual fantasies. "The Geste" is also anti-church, which fits with John's support for the religious reformer John Wycliff.

Using these elements and more, John could have woven new characters and plots into older stories and in the process create the basis of the legends we know today.

A letter to the Vicar

Dear Vicar,
I am having problems abiding by some of the requirements set out in the Book of Leviticus. I hope that you can provide me with advice.

1. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

2. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus. 20:14)

3. When I burn a bull as a sacrifice on the altar on my patio, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. A friend of mine has pointed out that eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), but Leviticus also says that homosexuality is an Abomination. Are these 2 sins equally abominable, or is there a scale of Abomination by which I can compare them, as I must admit I am partial to the occasional cockle?

5. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be absolutely 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would it be acceptable to hide my affliction by wearing contact lenses?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours, Confused of Clifton

Gay Marriage is wrong

Because ……

1) Being gay is not natural. Straight people always reject unnatural things like anaesthetics, polyester, jet flight and central heating.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.

3) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

Thought for the day

The following exposition of religious truths is by courtesy of the Amsterdam Lesbian and Gay Information Service.

Taoism xxxxxxxxxxShit happens

Buddhism xxxxxxxIf shit happens, it isn’t really shit

Hinduism xxxxxxxThis shit has all happened before

Islam xxxxxxxxxxxIf shit happens, it is Allah’s will

Catholicism xxxxxShit happens because you deserve it

Protestantism xxxLet shit happen to someone else

Judaism xxxxxxxxWhy does shit always happen to us?

How to spot a homo

The infamous 1960s’ newspaper article of that title included “wearing suede shoes” and “walking leaning backwards at an angle of 95’ to the ground”, but some 19th century psychotherapists had different ideas:

Havelock Ellis “They cannot whistle or spit”

Magnus Hirschfield “If you throw something into the lap of a seated male homosexual, he will open his legs to catch it” (you can have 3 guesses at what a lesbian will do)

Ambroise Tardieu “They cannot urinate in a straight line as they have a corkscrew shaped penis” (so useful when the bottle opener’s gone missing)

It ain't necessarily so

Neither the Bible nor the Koran have much, if anything, to say about the sexuality of lesbians or women as a whole - should we be surprised? The situation for men is rather different.

The main negative references in the Bible are in Leviticus, in the Sodom and Gomorrah bit and in the writings of St. Paul. Leviticus is always good for a laugh. It lists 642 ethical and ritual laws such as:

You must not

• harvest the corners of a field
• shave or get a haircut
• wear clothes of a mixed textile blend
• have a tattoo
• eat shrimps

You must

• kill adulterers
• kill a child which curses its parents (3 cheers for Leviticus)
• permit slavery
• observe the Feast of Trumpets……..
  

These days, 641 of the laws are ignored. Can you guess which topic the religious fundamentalists still cling to?

The Old Testament was written in ancient Hebrew and by the time people got around to translating it into other languages, the meaning of lots of words had changed. The sin of the men of Sodom had nothing to do with gay sex, but everything to do with their lack of hospitality to their guests. The confusion stems from a mistranslation of the Hebrew word which means to “know”. In the New Testament it could mean having sex with someone and when you wrongly carry that meaning back into the Old Testament you get the well-known, but false, interpretation that Sodom was destroyed because its men folk were gay, when their sin was that of treating their guests like slaves.

The vigorous condemnation of gay men in the Koran stems from the fact that the Koran takes over - lock, stock and mistranslation - the Sodom and Gomorrah story from the Bible.

St. Paul, of course, wrote in Ancient Greek. His translators talk about “unnatural acts” between men i.e. it’s unnatural and therefore bad. How natural is playing the piano? How natural is an iPod or a DVD? If you have appendicitis, the natural thing is to die, but we generally prefer the unnatural process of being anaesthetised, cut open, having the appendix removed and being sewn up again.

St. Paul actually uses the words “para physin”, which can translate as unnatural. It can also translate as “unusual” i.e. being different, but not “wrong”, like having red hair or being left-handed. In one description St. Paul refers to God acting “para physin”. One can’t have it both ways. Was St. Paul saying that God was acting unnaturally and was therefore bad?

Notes and queeries

The Great Cormorant is also known as the European Shag. About 1 in 500 pairs of Cormorants is composed of 2 male birds. It therefore seems that male Shags seldom shag males.

Lesbian composer Dame Ethel Smyth was imprisoned after becoming active in the “votes for women” campaign. She conducted a performance of her suffragist anthem from a window in Holloway Prison using her toothbrush as a baton.

The Roman emperor Heliogabolus initiated a contest to find the man with the largest penis. He then “married” the winner.

Servants made redundant by the death of Princess Margaret included not only the Yeoman of the Pantries and the Maid to the Coffee Room, but also the Page of the Backpassage . We are not making this up.

The dildo used in the 1968 murder of actor Ramon Navarro was originally a gift from Rudolph Valentino and a replica of Valentino’s penis. (We want to know how the dildo killed him ...)

The dictionary of Gay Slang defines Australian Sex as sex which involves licking all parts of the body in a set order. New Zealand Sex is the same without the rimming.

Is the sexuality of a town defined in any way by it’s name? Perhaps it is if you live in Gay Head (Massachusetts), Gays (Illinois), Fort Gay (Wyoming) .... and then there’s Dildo (Newfoundland).

It is rumoured that Robert Mugabe’s virulent homophobia stems back to his teenage years, when someone pointed out that his name is an anagram of bugame.

In 1947 a meeting of the Swedish Cabinet discussed the King, 89 year old Gustav V. The Interior Minister announced: “The King is homosexual”. The Minister of Finances was heard to say “At his age … how vigorous!”

In 1941, bisexual American composer George Antheil joined forces with 1940s movie star Hedy Lamarr to patent a remote control torpedo.

Joyce Grenfell’s biography mentions film actor Maurice Flynn, described as “every gay man’s dream”. While filming, he left to go to the lavatory and was only found 8 days later painted blue from head to foot and playing the ukelele.

Do lesbians exist?

In the 1960's the epithet "homo" clearly referred only to men. Most of the UK was still living by the "Ladies do not do that sort of thing" attitude of Queen Victoria. The 1967 changes in the law applied only to men.

The "Age of Consent" section on the Stonewall website says that the age of consent is equal for all - gay men, lesbians and heterosexuals, but does not refer to any statement in the law which mentions that lesbian sex has been recognised.

The age of consent for lesbians, before and after the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 was 16, but 16 because lesbians are women, not because the women involved are lesbian.
The explanatory notes for the 2000 Act say "This equalises the age of consent for sexual activity so that it is the same for male homosexuals as for heterosexuals and lesbians" i.e. it is the situation for gay men which has been changed, but not the situation for heterosexuals and lesbians.

The use of the word "lesbian" in the explanatory notes is a way of saying "this is what it means in practice", but the notes are not part of the Act. The Act contains no use of the words "lesbian, woman or women", but the section referring to the age of consent repeatedly uses "he".

A factsheet produced by the FPA says that until the 2003 Sexual Offences Act there was no age of consent for lesbian sex laid down in statute, but ..... on examining the 2003 Act it seems the FPA document is making statements on inference rather than actuality. In the 51 pages of the Act, the 48 pages of the Notification and Orders and the 44 pages of Explanatory Notes, there is no reference to lesbians or consensual same-sex activity between women.

The Civil Registration of Partnership legislation clearly recognises female same-sex couples. This probably means that the letter of the law now says "Yes, lesbians exist", but lesbian sex does not. This may come as a surprise to many women in Nottingham.

Quote quota

Gay marriage should be legal, if only to raise the standard of dancing at receptions (Liz Langley)

I’m as pure as the driven slush (Tallulah Bankhead)

If God had intended us to be athletes, we would have been born with jockstraps (Sir Ian McKellen)

If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello, can’t work today, still queer”. (Robin Tyler)

As Socrates said “The untelevised life is not worth living”. (Gore Vidal)

Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level, it’s cheaper (Quentin Crisp)

Homophobia is the irrational fear that 3 fags will break into your home and redecorate it against your will (Tom Ammiano)

I came out by saying “Mother, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. (Bob Smith)

It’s no wonder we know how to dress; we’ve spent centuries in closets (Isaac Mizrahi)

God wants to know

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order better to serve your needs he asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

How did you first find out about God?
xxxxxxNewspaper xxxxxxxxxxTelevision
xxxxxxWord of mouth xxxxxxxMail shot
xxxxxxDivine inspiration xxxxxGoogle
xxxxxxFly posting xxxxxxxxxxOther

Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration or guidance in addition to God?
Please tick all that apply
xxxxxxNone xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxTarot
xxxxxxBio-rhythms xxxxxxxxxSex
xxxxxxInsurance policies xxxxxAlcohol
xxxxxxFortune cookies xxxxxxxLottery
xxxxxxHoroscopes xxxxxxxxxxTelevision
xxxxxxThe Atkins diet xxxxxxxOther

God generally employs a limited amount of divine intervention to keep a balanced level of
felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer
(tick one only)

A) More Divine Intervention
B) Less Divine Intervention
C) Current level is just right
D) Don’t know

God also attempts to maintain a fairly balanced level of disasters and miracles while still moving in a mysterious way. Please rate on a 1 to 5 scale God’s handling
of the following:

Disasters xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMiracles
(Flood, famine, war, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(Recovery from
Rupert Murdoch) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxdisease, heroic
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxrescues)
1. Unsatisfactory xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1. Unsatisfactory
2. Poor xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx2. Poor
3. Average xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx3. Average
4. Good xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx4. Good
5. Excellent xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx5. Excellent

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services?

Notes and queeries

• Frankie Howerd’s home has recently been opened to the public. On display are not only the comedian’s wig and false teeth, but also his walking stick, hollowed out to allow it to be filled with gin.
• Pope Sixtus IV (1414-1484) was asked by the Cardinal of Santa Lucia for permission to practice sodomy during the three hottest months of the year as it was less tiring than heterosexual intercourse.
• Omar, star of the Channel 4 documentary “The World’s Biggest Penis”, was spotted by a Nottingham Evening Post reporter in the Valley Road branch of Tesco. “Every little helps” is perhaps not the appropriate slogan in this case.

Lies, damned lies and ......

39 xNumber of people visiting hospitals each year after accidents involving tea cozies

7 xTime in years you would have to fart to produce the energy of an atomic bomb

80 xPercentage of Japanese who rent artificial wedding cakes

8 xThe number of spiders a person accidentally eats at night during their lifetime

30 xMinutes - the length of a pig’s orgasm

158 Verses in the Greek National Anthem

Think before you speak

In the book “Read my lips”, Riki Anne Wilchins lists several things that you don’t say to a transsexual. Here are some:

“You must have a lot of courage to face the surgery”. To have the actual surgery I just had to be able to breathe deeply, count at least partway backwards from 100 and fall asleep with some semblance of dignity. In all of these tasks, I was reliably aided by enough anaesthesia to subdue a small water buffalo.

“Is it true that transsexuals are women trapped in men’s bodies?” Yes, that’s right. In my case, they had to call in the fire brigade and even then it took 3 hours to cut me out. Luckily, I had my Walkman and a few Judy Garland tapes, so it wasn’t too awful a wait.

“You look just like a REAL woman”. How splendid, especially when you recall that I’m composed almost entirely of soy by-products. And you look just like a REAL transsexual. Oh, sorry - I didn’t realise that was an insult.

More name games

A brief note in the New Scientist mentioned that in a US hospital, the man in charge of surgery for penile dysfunction was Steve Hardman and his colleague responsible for vasectomies was Dick Chop.

"You're all legal now"

This was the view of many people after the Sexual Offences Act was passed in 1967. Things were not that simple. Yes, you were no longer imprisoned if you had sex with a consenting male adult (that’s over 21) in private (that’s not in a hotel) …. though make sure you didn’t live in Scotland or Northern Ireland. Lesbians were not mentioned in the Act as the law didn’t recognise their existence.

Not a lot changed on the legal front for over 30 years after the 1967 Act. You could still be thrown out of the armed forces until 1999; you could still be sacked simply for being lesbian or gay until 2003; any partnership you were in was denied any legal support until 2005.
Here we are in 2007 in a position where nearly all of the laws which discriminated against lesbians and gay men have been swept away … though changing the attitudes of many parts of society will take a lot longer.

What we should remember is that for LGB people living in some other parts of the world, the situation is still horrific.

The following countries retain the death penalty as punishment:

Mauritania; Sudan; Iran; Saudi Arabia; United Arab Emirates; Yemen; Chechnya.

The following countries can impose prison terms -the maximum duration in years is listed:

Algeria (3); Benin (3); Botswana (7); Cameroon (5); Eritrea (3); Ethiopia (3); Gambia (14); Guinea (3); Kenya (14); Libya (5); Malawi (14); Mauritius (3): Morocco (3); Mozambique (3); Nigeria (14); Senegal (5); Sierra Leone (life); Somalia (3); Tanzania (life); Togo (3); Tunisia (3); Uganda (life); Zambia (14); Zimbabwe (3); Afghanistan (15); Bahrain (10); Bangladesh (life); Brunei (10); India (life); Kuwait (7); Lebanon (1); Malaysia (20); Myanmar (life); Oman (3); Pakistan (life); Palestine (10); Qatar (5); Singapore (life); South Korea (1); Sri Lanka (10); Syria (3); Turkmenistan (2); Uzbekistan (3); Barbados (life); Grenada (10); Jamaica (10); St. Kitts (10); St Mary’s (10); St. Vincent (10); Trinidad and Tobago (25); Cook Islands (14); Kiribati (14); Marshall Islands (10); Niue (10); Palau (10); New Guinea (14); Samoa (7); Solomon Islands (14); Tokelau (10); Tonga (10); Tuvalu (14); Guyana (life).

Will I live to see? ..... operas which should be staged in the UK

Korngold xxxxxDie tote Stadt
Korngold xxxxxDas Wunder der Heliane
Zandonai xxxxxFrancesca da Rimini
Schmidt xxxxxxNotre Dame
Schreker xxxxxDie Gezeichneten
D'Albert xxxxxxDie toten Augen
Orff xxxxxxxxxAntigonae

though Montemezzi's L'amore dei tre Re will be staged by Holland Park opera this Summer

The Word according to Gloria

The Bible has been translated into Polari. To give you a sample, here’s Genesis Chapter 1

In the beginning Gloria created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was nanti form, and void; and munge was upon the eke of the deep. And the fairy of Gloria trolled upon the eke of the aquas.

And Gloria cackled, Let there be sparkle: and there was sparkle. And Gloria vardad the sparkle, that it was bona.

Here’s a bit of “Matilda” Chapter 9

And Josie knowing their thoughts cackled, Wherefore think ye nana in your thumping cheats? For whether is easier, to cackle, Thy kertervers be forgiven thee; or to cackle, Arise, and mince?

But that ye may know that the homie chavvie of homie hath power on earth to forgive kertervers.

Then saith she to the sick of the palsy, Arise, lell up thy bed, and troll unto thine lattie. And she arose, and trolled off to his lattie.

Name games

Does your name influence the job you do? Think of all those TV gardeners … Pippa Greenwood, Bob Flowerdew, Alan Titchmarsh, Stefan Buczacki (Polish for carrot). It comes as no surprise that the World Health Organisation’s announcement that circumcision can halve HIV infection came from Kevin de Cock.

Atheist warmongers?

Everytime a letter to a newspaper comments on the way that religion is so often the focus and origin of conflict, someone replies giving a list of atheist warmongers. The list seems always to consist of Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot. Though the replies come from (seemingly) different people, I am struck by their similarity. Are they the same person using different names, or are they different people repeating the same message?

I haven't got a clue about Pol Pot's view of religion, but to include Stalin and Hitler is - at the very least - open to argument. Stalin actually studied to be a priest and though he tried to suppress the church, that does not mean that he wasn't strongly influenced by religion. Hitler proclaimed that he was and always would be a Catholic ... and he often had the support of religious leaders.

Looking at things from a different angle, one could say that Nazi Germany and Russia under Stalin were themselves two examples of religions. Their "god" wasn't the god of Abraham, or the gods of the Hindus, or Romans ..... Stalin and Hitler were treated as all-powerful and, in the case of Stalin, omnipresent and the obeisance which was made to them had religious overtones. A similar situation prevails today in North Korea.