Notes and queeries

Because of a visit to Europride in Stockholm, these notes and queeries have a Swedish flavour. The following is a list of questions which potential visitors have sent to the Stockholm Tourist Information Service:

• Will I see the Northern Lights in Stockholm? Definitely! Just order a schnapps in every bar you can find.
• I would love to visit a famous clock factory. In that case turn left when you get to Arlanda airport, head for Austria and ask directions for that little country beginning with “S”.
• Is it true that all the girls are drop-dead gorgeous? No. Only 87%. The rest are just supermodels and movie stars.
• Will I see any polar bears in Stockholm? Of course, the place is crawling with them. Just make sure that you carry a bag of chocolate biscuits as they love those.

What's best about being gay

• You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
• You only wear polyester when you mean to.
• If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
• You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
• You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
• You've shaved something other than your face.
• You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
• After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
• Your love handles are actually used as such.
• You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

It improves in translation

Arriving serendipitously at a website which gives a list of words for “gay” in a variety of languages, QB now presents the following terms to add to your Berlitz tourist dictionaries:

Puerto Rico “plumifero” - with feathers
Russian “goluboy” - light blue
Portuguese “queima-rosca” - doughnut burner
French “tapette” - flyswatter
Slovenian “toplovodar” - warm water person
Czech “bukvice” - beechnut
Luxembourgish “tatta” - aunty

Gays cause climate change

The evidence is irrefutable.

In November 2005 Maurice Mills, a councillor for the Democratic Unionist Party in Northern Ireland, blamed the gay community for Hurricane Katrina, which devastated New Orleans. He said "The media failed to report that the hurricane occurred just two days prior to the annual homosexual festival, which the previous year had attracted an estimated 125,000 people."

The Rt. Rev Graham Dow, the Bishop of Carlisle, claimed that floods that caused chaos and death in 2007 across the UK were caused by God after he was provoked by the introduction of gay equality via the Goods and Services Act.

Shlomo Benizri, who is a member of the ultra-Orthodox Shas party, was speaking in Israel’s Knesset (parliament) debate on earthquake preparedness. After reading passages from the Old Testament, he said that in his view one cause of earthquakes is that "the Knesset gives legitimacy to sodomy.A cost-effective way of averting earthquake damage would be to stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the State of Israel, which causes earthquakes."

Of course, it’s possible that they are all bonkers. On the other hand, this gives another slant to “did the Earth move for you?” and raises questions about why they are having earthquakes in Lincolnshire.

Quote Quota

• 
  If Michaelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered (Robin Tyler)
• I have been a practicing homosexual for 30 years, and after all that practice I’m very good at it (Ike Cowen)
• It always seem to me pointless to disapprove of homosexuality; it’s a bit like disapproving of rain (Francis Maude)
• My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man and I’m giving them my share (Rita-Mae Brown)

Knob end

….. is just one of those villages with silly names which you can find in England - it’s in Lancashire, by the way. Perhaps its parish councillors might consider twinning it with Slack Bottom (Yorkshire), Sandy Balls (New Forest) or Great Cockup (Lake district).

Another letter to the vicar

Dear Vicar

Thank you for your previous advice as to how I should respond to the true word of the Bible as set out in the Book of Leviticus. I now have two further questions.

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of what the Bible refers to as menstrual “uncleanliness” (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence, indeed as a result I have received one black eye, suffered a severe kick to my left shin and have a small dent on my forehead shaped like the catch of a handbag.

Yours confused (and bruised) of Clifton