Quote Quota

• 
  If Michaelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered (Robin Tyler)
• I have been a practicing homosexual for 30 years, and after all that practice I’m very good at it (Ike Cowen)
• It always seem to me pointless to disapprove of homosexuality; it’s a bit like disapproving of rain (Francis Maude)
• My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man and I’m giving them my share (Rita-Mae Brown)

Knob end

….. is just one of those villages with silly names which you can find in England - it’s in Lancashire, by the way. Perhaps its parish councillors might consider twinning it with Slack Bottom (Yorkshire), Sandy Balls (New Forest) or Great Cockup (Lake district).

Another letter to the vicar

Dear Vicar

Thank you for your previous advice as to how I should respond to the true word of the Bible as set out in the Book of Leviticus. I now have two further questions.

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of what the Bible refers to as menstrual “uncleanliness” (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence, indeed as a result I have received one black eye, suffered a severe kick to my left shin and have a small dent on my forehead shaped like the catch of a handbag.

Yours confused (and bruised) of Clifton

What I want for Christmas is ..

Documents obtained under US freedom of information laws confirmed that the country's military considered developing a "gay bomb." In 1994 the US Air Force requested $7.5m to make a bomb that would cause enemy soldiers to become gay, and to have their units break down because the soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another.

Staying Bootiful

May 4th saw a jazz band entertaining a long queue in the Victoria Centre branch of Boots. I believe they were queuing for bottles of “Protect & Perfect”, the anti-wrinkle cream that actually works. The editorial team of QB shun such fripperies, relying on alternating treatments of goose grease and sandpaper to retain our ever youthful visages.

Bowing to the inevitable

For years the Newark Advertiser has refused all advertisements with a gay or lesbian reference. On April 30th 2007 the Goods and Services/Sexual Orientation bill was enacted. On May 2nd the Newark Advertiser accepted an ad from Nottingham Lesbian and Gay Switchboard.

Tangled webs

There are parents whose lack of foresight when naming their children can lead to years of childhood persecution (Ophelia Balls etc). When naming their websites, the following companies have fallen headlong into a similar trap.

Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice. Speed of Art is a designers’ website. In New South Wales you will find Mole Station Nursery. Want to know a celebrity’s agent? Who Represents can help … or perhaps you need a therapist, if so try Therapist Finder. The Mecca for buying a pen is Pen Island …. and then there is the Italian Power Generator company. Their websites (feel free to check) are:

www.expertsexchange.com
www.whorepresents.com
www.speedofart.com
www.therapistfinder.com
www.molestationnursery.com
www.penisland.net
www.powergenitalia.com