Because ……
1) Being gay is not natural. Straight people always reject unnatural things like anaesthetics, polyester, jet flight and central heating.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall.
3) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
Wednesday, 10 January 2007
Tuesday, 9 January 2007
Thought for the day
The following exposition of religious truths is by courtesy of the Amsterdam Lesbian and Gay Information Service.
Taoism xxxxxxxxxxShit happens
Buddhism xxxxxxxIf shit happens, it isn’t really shit
Hinduism xxxxxxxThis shit has all happened before
Islam xxxxxxxxxxxIf shit happens, it is Allah’s will
Catholicism xxxxxShit happens because you deserve it
Protestantism xxxLet shit happen to someone else
Judaism xxxxxxxxWhy does shit always happen to us?
Taoism xxxxxxxxxxShit happens
Buddhism xxxxxxxIf shit happens, it isn’t really shit
Hinduism xxxxxxxThis shit has all happened before
Islam xxxxxxxxxxxIf shit happens, it is Allah’s will
Catholicism xxxxxShit happens because you deserve it
Protestantism xxxLet shit happen to someone else
Judaism xxxxxxxxWhy does shit always happen to us?
How to spot a homo
The infamous 1960s’ newspaper article of that title included “wearing suede shoes” and “walking leaning backwards at an angle of 95’ to the ground”, but some 19th century psychotherapists had different ideas:
Havelock Ellis “They cannot whistle or spit”
Magnus Hirschfield “If you throw something into the lap of a seated male homosexual, he will open his legs to catch it” (you can have 3 guesses at what a lesbian will do)
Ambroise Tardieu “They cannot urinate in a straight line as they have a corkscrew shaped penis” (so useful when the bottle opener’s gone missing)
Havelock Ellis “They cannot whistle or spit”
Magnus Hirschfield “If you throw something into the lap of a seated male homosexual, he will open his legs to catch it” (you can have 3 guesses at what a lesbian will do)
Ambroise Tardieu “They cannot urinate in a straight line as they have a corkscrew shaped penis” (so useful when the bottle opener’s gone missing)
It ain't necessarily so
Neither the Bible nor the Koran have much, if anything, to say about the sexuality of lesbians or women as a whole - should we be surprised? The situation for men is rather different.
The main negative references in the Bible are in Leviticus, in the Sodom and Gomorrah bit and in the writings of St. Paul. Leviticus is always good for a laugh. It lists 642 ethical and ritual laws such as:
The main negative references in the Bible are in Leviticus, in the Sodom and Gomorrah bit and in the writings of St. Paul. Leviticus is always good for a laugh. It lists 642 ethical and ritual laws such as:
You must not
- harvest the corners of a field
- shave or get a haircut
- wear clothes of a mixed textile blend
- have a tattoo
- eat shrimps
You must
- kill adulterers
- kill a child which curses its parents (3 cheers for Leviticus)
- permit slavery
- observe the Feast of Trumpets……..
These days, 641 of the laws are ignored. Can you guess which topic the religious fundamentalists still cling to?
The Old Testament was written in ancient Hebrew and by the time people got around to translating it into other languages, the meaning of lots of words had changed. The sin of the men of Sodom had nothing to do with gay sex, but everything to do with their lack of hospitality to their guests. The confusion stems from a mistranslation of the Hebrew word which means to “know”. In the New Testament it could mean having sex with someone and when you wrongly carry that meaning back into the Old Testament you get the well-known, but false, interpretation that Sodom was destroyed because its men folk were gay, when their sin was that of treating their guests like slaves.
The vigorous condemnation of gay men in the Koran stems from the fact that the Koran takes over - lock, stock and mistranslation - the Sodom and Gomorrah story from the Bible.
St. Paul, of course, wrote in Ancient Greek. His translators talk about “unnatural acts” between men i.e. it’s unnatural and therefore bad. How natural is playing the piano? How natural is an iPod or a DVD? If you have appendicitis, the natural thing is to die, but we generally prefer the unnatural process of being anaesthetised, cut open, having the appendix removed and being sewn up again.
St. Paul actually uses the words “para physin”, which can translate as unnatural. It can also translate as “unusual” i.e. being different, but not “wrong”, like having red hair or being left-handed. In one description St. Paul refers to God acting “para physin”. One can’t have it both ways. Was St. Paul saying that God was acting unnaturally and was therefore bad?
Notes and queeries
The Great Cormorant is also known as the European Shag. About 1 in 500 pairs of Cormorants is composed of 2 male birds. It therefore seems that male Shags seldom shag males.
Lesbian composer Dame Ethel Smyth was imprisoned after becoming active in the “votes for women” campaign. She conducted a performance of her suffragist anthem from a window in Holloway Prison using her toothbrush as a baton.
The Roman emperor Heliogabolus initiated a contest to find the man with the largest penis. He then “married” the winner.
Servants made redundant by the death of Princess Margaret included not only the Yeoman of the Pantries and the Maid to the Coffee Room, but also the Page of the Backpassage . We are not making this up.
The dildo used in the 1968 murder of actor Ramon Navarro was originally a gift from Rudolph Valentino and a replica of Valentino’s penis. (We want to know how the dildo killed him ...)
The dictionary of Gay Slang defines Australian Sex as sex which involves licking all parts of the body in a set order. New Zealand Sex is the same without the rimming.
Is the sexuality of a town defined in any way by it’s name? Perhaps it is if you live in Gay Head (Massachusetts), Gays (Illinois), Fort Gay (Wyoming) .... and then there’s Dildo (Newfoundland).
It is rumoured that Robert Mugabe’s virulent homophobia stems back to his teenage years, when someone pointed out that his name is an anagram of bugame.
In 1947 a meeting of the Swedish Cabinet discussed the King, 89 year old Gustav V. The Interior Minister announced: “The King is homosexual”. The Minister of Finances was heard to say “At his age … how vigorous!”
In 1941, bisexual American composer George Antheil joined forces with 1940s movie star Hedy Lamarr to patent a remote control torpedo.
Joyce Grenfell’s biography mentions film actor Maurice Flynn, described as “every gay man’s dream”. While filming, he left to go to the lavatory and was only found 8 days later painted blue from head to foot and playing the ukelele.
Lesbian composer Dame Ethel Smyth was imprisoned after becoming active in the “votes for women” campaign. She conducted a performance of her suffragist anthem from a window in Holloway Prison using her toothbrush as a baton.
The Roman emperor Heliogabolus initiated a contest to find the man with the largest penis. He then “married” the winner.
Servants made redundant by the death of Princess Margaret included not only the Yeoman of the Pantries and the Maid to the Coffee Room, but also the Page of the Backpassage . We are not making this up.
The dildo used in the 1968 murder of actor Ramon Navarro was originally a gift from Rudolph Valentino and a replica of Valentino’s penis. (We want to know how the dildo killed him ...)
The dictionary of Gay Slang defines Australian Sex as sex which involves licking all parts of the body in a set order. New Zealand Sex is the same without the rimming.
Is the sexuality of a town defined in any way by it’s name? Perhaps it is if you live in Gay Head (Massachusetts), Gays (Illinois), Fort Gay (Wyoming) .... and then there’s Dildo (Newfoundland).
It is rumoured that Robert Mugabe’s virulent homophobia stems back to his teenage years, when someone pointed out that his name is an anagram of bugame.
In 1947 a meeting of the Swedish Cabinet discussed the King, 89 year old Gustav V. The Interior Minister announced: “The King is homosexual”. The Minister of Finances was heard to say “At his age … how vigorous!”
In 1941, bisexual American composer George Antheil joined forces with 1940s movie star Hedy Lamarr to patent a remote control torpedo.
Joyce Grenfell’s biography mentions film actor Maurice Flynn, described as “every gay man’s dream”. While filming, he left to go to the lavatory and was only found 8 days later painted blue from head to foot and playing the ukelele.
Do lesbians exist?
In the 1960's the epithet "homo" clearly referred only to men. Most of the UK was still living by the "Ladies do not do that sort of thing" attitude of Queen Victoria. The 1967 changes in the law applied only to men.
The "Age of Consent" section on the Stonewall website says that the age of consent is equal for all - gay men, lesbians and heterosexuals, but does not refer to any statement in the law which mentions that lesbian sex has been recognised.
The age of consent for lesbians, before and after the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 was 16, but 16 because lesbians are women, not because the women involved are lesbian.
The explanatory notes for the 2000 Act say "This equalises the age of consent for sexual activity so that it is the same for male homosexuals as for heterosexuals and lesbians" i.e. it is the situation for gay men which has been changed, but not the situation for heterosexuals and lesbians.
The use of the word "lesbian" in the explanatory notes is a way of saying "this is what it means in practice", but the notes are not part of the Act. The Act contains no use of the words "lesbian, woman or women", but the section referring to the age of consent repeatedly uses "he".
A factsheet produced by the FPA says that until the 2003 Sexual Offences Act there was no age of consent for lesbian sex laid down in statute, but ..... on examining the 2003 Act it seems the FPA document is making statements on inference rather than actuality. In the 51 pages of the Act, the 48 pages of the Notification and Orders and the 44 pages of Explanatory Notes, there is no reference to lesbians or consensual same-sex activity between women.
The Civil Registration of Partnership legislation clearly recognises female same-sex couples. This probably means that the letter of the law now says "Yes, lesbians exist", but lesbian sex does not. This may come as a surprise to many women in Nottingham.
The "Age of Consent" section on the Stonewall website says that the age of consent is equal for all - gay men, lesbians and heterosexuals, but does not refer to any statement in the law which mentions that lesbian sex has been recognised.
The age of consent for lesbians, before and after the Sexual Offences (Amendment) Act 2000 was 16, but 16 because lesbians are women, not because the women involved are lesbian.
The explanatory notes for the 2000 Act say "This equalises the age of consent for sexual activity so that it is the same for male homosexuals as for heterosexuals and lesbians" i.e. it is the situation for gay men which has been changed, but not the situation for heterosexuals and lesbians.
The use of the word "lesbian" in the explanatory notes is a way of saying "this is what it means in practice", but the notes are not part of the Act. The Act contains no use of the words "lesbian, woman or women", but the section referring to the age of consent repeatedly uses "he".
A factsheet produced by the FPA says that until the 2003 Sexual Offences Act there was no age of consent for lesbian sex laid down in statute, but ..... on examining the 2003 Act it seems the FPA document is making statements on inference rather than actuality. In the 51 pages of the Act, the 48 pages of the Notification and Orders and the 44 pages of Explanatory Notes, there is no reference to lesbians or consensual same-sex activity between women.
The Civil Registration of Partnership legislation clearly recognises female same-sex couples. This probably means that the letter of the law now says "Yes, lesbians exist", but lesbian sex does not. This may come as a surprise to many women in Nottingham.
Quote quota
Gay marriage should be legal, if only to raise the standard of dancing at receptions (Liz Langley)
I’m as pure as the driven slush (Tallulah Bankhead)
If God had intended us to be athletes, we would have been born with jockstraps (Sir Ian McKellen)
If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello, can’t work today, still queer”. (Robin Tyler)
As Socrates said “The untelevised life is not worth living”. (Gore Vidal)
Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level, it’s cheaper (Quentin Crisp)
Homophobia is the irrational fear that 3 fags will break into your home and redecorate it against your will (Tom Ammiano)
I came out by saying “Mother, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. (Bob Smith)
It’s no wonder we know how to dress; we’ve spent centuries in closets (Isaac Mizrahi)
I’m as pure as the driven slush (Tallulah Bankhead)
If God had intended us to be athletes, we would have been born with jockstraps (Sir Ian McKellen)
If homosexuality is a disease, let’s all call in queer to work: “Hello, can’t work today, still queer”. (Robin Tyler)
As Socrates said “The untelevised life is not worth living”. (Gore Vidal)
Never keep up with the Jones. Drag them down to your level, it’s cheaper (Quentin Crisp)
Homophobia is the irrational fear that 3 fags will break into your home and redecorate it against your will (Tom Ammiano)
I came out by saying “Mother, would you please pass the gravy to a homosexual?” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed. (Bob Smith)
It’s no wonder we know how to dress; we’ve spent centuries in closets (Isaac Mizrahi)
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