A letter to the Vicar

Dear Vicar,
I am having problems abiding by some of the requirements set out in the Book of Leviticus. I hope that you can provide me with advice.

1. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

2. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Leviticus 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus. 20:14)

3. When I burn a bull as a sacrifice on the altar on my patio, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

4. A friend of mine has pointed out that eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), but Leviticus also says that homosexuality is an Abomination. Are these 2 sins equally abominable, or is there a scale of Abomination by which I can compare them, as I must admit I am partial to the occasional cockle?

5. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be absolutely 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would it be acceptable to hide my affliction by wearing contact lenses?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Yours, Confused of Clifton